Dear Town of Salem,

Normally I write letters to the things I love . . . you are not one of them. But I am writing in hopes to make amends. You see, I'm sick of saying, I Hope My Car Isn't Towed Prayer whenever I park somewhere. I hate that you actually have to get out of your car and read the fine-print on your cryptic street signs. I hate that when I get tickets in your tourist-trap of a town that my insurance (that is already higher because I live in Lynn) goes up. I hate that NO ONE pulling out of Salem State on that part of Loring Ave knows how to drive. Why yes! There's a whole world towards your left, look at it. I have the right of way and I will hit you. Fuck it. I hate that when a friend and I got stuck in the mud at Pioneer Village some yuppie with his white dread-locked girlfriend with Peace, Love, and all the good stuff plastered over his shitty 98 Honda Accord was pissed that I got a little mud on his car while pushing my mini-van out of the mud. Actually asked for me to wait a minute so they could get into their car (mud free) and drive away. Sorry for the inconvenience buddy. Go to the fucking car wash, and while you're there, have your girl friend stick her head out of the window. Did you suffer centuries of racial inequality? Are you actually taking a stand? Nah. Didn't think so. Because in Lynn I don't think I know a single person, no matter their race or nationality that wouldn't lend a helping hand in that situation. My car wouldn't start for a whole week in the winter and every time someone (a different someone each time) gave me a jump. One time it was even the gangsta down the street. Another time, some man who didn't even speak English just pulled over and pulled out his cables with a questioning look on his face. If I didn't have to drive through your stinking town and towns like yours Salem, I wouldn't even need my AAA card. You know what Salem? I don't care if we're friends anymore. You know you're only cool because the world is sick and for some reason glorifying the court sanctioned murders of people falsely accused of shit because some of your earlier inhabitants were fucking "bored"is fascinating to people. Note bene: some of that shit actually went down in parts of MA that is now Danvers . . . don't even get me started on that town. I wouldn't mind it if people actually learned from history. But typically people just go to stare at the wax figures and to say they've been there. I hate you, Salem.
Sincerely,
Cindy Mayweather

This in no way expresses how I feel about certain people who live in Salem. This is just in general. For real (remember nothing personal).

Fuck you witches.